Two Months

I’ve been reading a lot of different blogs about women who have been cheated on. While I know it’s silly, I feel like, most days, they are the only ones who actually understand what I’ve been through and how I feel, even though that’s all that we have in common. We don’t know each other, but all that we need to know is that we’ve been there too.

They don’t tell me to take a step forward. They don’t encourage me to do anything. They understand that somedays, most days, it takes all I have just to stand, even if it’s just in one place.

It’s been two months now since I found out. Two months since everything I knew was different. I have a hard time understanding the timing in this entire process because two months is a long time, usually.

Two months can mean big changes. I look at my daughter and I think about how much she has changed in two months. While you are in school two months can seem like forever right before summer break. But when you’ve been cheated on, two months isn’t anything, maybe a breath or two.

Two months has passed and I feel almost the same as I did. I don’t cry as much, but still enough, more than usual, but not as much as the day I found out. I’m still hurt, betrayed, angry, nervous. I still have days when I feel so stupid. Stupid because I didn’t leave, stupid because I stayed, stupid because, well, nothing has really changed.

Do I think my husband will cheat again? No. But it’s the unknowns. It’s all about what he HAS done, not what he WILL do.

My heart breaks every single day. I feel crazy at times, like absolutely insane. I am so controlled by this entire situation and unfortunately it won’t ever go away. Eventually, hopefully, I’ll have a better grasp on it, but right now, two months later, I do good just to stand.

I still want revenge. I still want justice. I still see the big picture, the bigger picture. I see how this is something that I asked for. It all makes sense, but I just can’t seem to take hold of it. It’s only been two months.

I have forgiven my husband. I actively forgive my husband. I think you have to. I wish it were easy enough to say one time, ‘you’re forgiven’, and maybe one day I’ll get to that place, but now, two months later, I just have to actively forgive my husband.

This affair is something that will be a part of me forever. On one hand I give thanks to God, because I know that this affair is transforming me more into his likeness. It is bringing us closer. It is giving me an amazing testimony, and He is using it for his honor and glory. I’m flattered. I’m blown away that God could use someone like me. But on the other hand, I hate that this affair will always be a part of me. And I’m more than this affair. Yes, most of me has been forgotten or overlooked, but to be defined by this, by something I didn’t even do.It makes me angry. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this. This hurts me. This really hurts me.

But He must know something I don’t. He must know that this isn’t going to defeat me. It feels like it has most days, but He always seems to remind me just how much stronger I am now, in this moment, in this next breath.

And while it’s only been two months and I don’t feel like I’ve made a lot of progress. I’m still stuck. I have forgotten how to take steps. When I feel my weakest. When I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. When all hope is lost. He reminds me that it’s been two months and I’m still standing.

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