To Justin

If I haven’t already said it enough, thank you for yesterday.

Thank you so much.

I haven’t laughed like that in years. For a night I forgot that I was here. Everything was so perfect. It was everything that I could have wanted, but forgot that I could have.

It took me a long time to get ready last night, not because I was trying on different outfits or doing my best to find the perfect shoes, no, it was because the enemy wanted to ruin yesterday.

Everything made me look like the pathetic wife who’s husband cheated. I was scared to death to look in the mirror. I felt worn down. Nothing was good enough. Every single flaw of mine was magnified and on display.

But I knew I deserved this. I had earned a night out. I had earned a drink or two. I had earned time to try to forget everything that has happened recently.

And so I sucked it in and and added a little lipstick and walked out the door. I was scared to death.

I was scared that going out was going to remind me of all the things I am not. All the things that you, well, in my mind, all the things that my you wanted in someone else.

I was afraid that I would be out of place. That I would stick out like a sore thumb. I was afraid that I wouldn’t belong.

And you know what? That’s exactly what happened. But it wasn’t like I thought it would be. It was good. It was the best feeling ever.

No, I’m not like those people who go out to the bar. Those days are behind me. I have other things to take care of and other places that I would much rather be.

I was out of place. I had done this. This was me just a few years ago. I did stick out like a sore thumb. I am a mother. I felt like a mother. But instead of it dragging me down, it reminded me just how blessed we were. We have 2 beautiful kids that make everything better. And I didn’t belong. Don’t get me wrong, it was a lot of fun. It brought back some amazing memories of college and all the stupid decisions I have ever made, and it reminded me that if it hadn’t been for those nights, those kinds of places, that part of my life, and all the stupid decisions I made, well, I wouldn’t have you.

It’s been hell for me since we moved here. It’s been even worse these past few months. I’ve been very unsure of a lot of things. I have questioned everything I’ve ever known. I have doubted. I have blamed. But even through this, even through the worst of the worst, I couldn’t imagine not being with you.

I had no expectations for yesterday. I had labeled this the ‘guilt-anniversary’. It was probably going to be one that I would always remember and could never forget (not in the good way). But you made it the best anniversary I’ve ever had and one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time.

I don’t think you really understand what you’ve done for me. I can’t thank you enough. I love you with all of my heart and even though people tell me everyday that I’m better than you and that I could do better and that I deserve better, what they don’t know, what they don’t realize, is that you make me better. I may not agree with how you get there, but you do, you make me better. And I love you so much.

Thanks again for last night. It was perfect.

XXOO,

Your Girl.

P.S. Better start planning for next year, I’m not sure how you can top this.

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