Tomorrow Is Our Anniversary

Tomorrow is our anniversary.

Everything is so different though. It makes me think back to our wedding day. I was so excited to marry him. We had been together for 5 years, had a one year old, but it was everything that I had ever dreamed it could be. It was perfect.

As I walked down to my future husband, safe in my dad’s arms, I was so happy. Justin was the love of my life. I was happy we did it our way. I was happy that it was on our terms.

People had expected us to get married once I found out I was pregnant, but I wanted the marriage to be about me and Justin. I was so glad we waited.

I can still remember trying to get through my vows. It was so raw. I was so in love. It was such a perfect day.

I’m trying to remember those feelings, and those experiences. I’m trying to remember what made all of it so perfect, because, to be honest, now, when I think back to that day and those words and those feelings, well, seems like, it seems like it wasn’t nearly as important for him as it was for me.

Tomorrow is our anniversary.

While we’ve never been the type to really ‘celebrate’, maybe a nice dinner, no gifts, it was something I looked forward to each year. I had dreamed about spending my life with Justin, growing old together, and each year signified that we were doing just that.

But tomorrow, tomorrow is like a slap in my face. I can promise you in all of my thoughts and wishes for each anniversary, I never, NEVER, thought that just 2 months ago I would have found out that my husband, the man I had promised my life to, would have changed everything the minute he decided to cheat on me.

No anniversary will ever be the same. I will celebrate tomorrow thinking about the vows I promised to keep and the vows he broke.

They took everything away from me.

That was my anniversary. And now, now I will think of her, of them, on that day, on our day, on my day.

Yes, I remember the dress. I remember the guests. I remember the music. But now all I can think of is her. Them. The betrayal I feel each day. The constant reminder that things will NEVER be the same.

I think that’s what hurts me the most. You see, stuff happens to all of us, right? Of course. Stuff happens, but we get through it. It becomes a thing of the past. Eventually, you move on.

I know Justin and I have had our fair share of fights. Some really, really, passionate and intense fights, but I can’t remember the details. I can’t remember why we fought. I just know that we got over it, moved on, and obviously never thought of it again.

This will never go away. If we make it I will have 2 anniversaries each year. The day I found out my husband cheated and the day he lied to me in front of our friends and family.

I will never forget. There will never be a day where I don’t think about it. Something so stupid, so pointless has changed everything forever.

Tomorrow is our anniversary.

I think we are supposed to go out. I’m terrified. It has consumed me. How do I pretend that it’s okay? How do I pretend that I’m okay? I can hardly get out of bed these days.

This has been good for me. Sharing, writing. It’s been good. Because I don’t have anyone that I can really ‘talk’ to, or really I just don’t have it in me to talk. But I can’t help but think how stupid I look. How desperate I look. How foolish I must look.

While I realize that not everyone knows, I can’t help but feel like I have a huge distinguishing mark on my forehead. ‘Oh look, there’s the woman who gave up everything for her husband only for him to cheat on her. She wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, sexy enough, fun enough, carefree enough. Poor her.’

I feel so pathetic. I feel like everyone knows. I know people are judging me. I’m judging myself. Most days, I wonder if I’m staying because I’m strong or if I’m staying because I’m broken. I’ve been defeated.

Tomorrow is our anniversary and I’m not even sure what we are celebrating. <a
marriage prayer

One thought on “Tomorrow Is Our Anniversary

  1. Dear sweet girl. I’m so sorry this is in your life. I hope it will soon be an unpleasant memory. I know you can move on inspite of everything and I’ll say a prayer for you every night. Jax and Adelaide need you to be the mom they know. Hold on to that.and if you really think everyone knows then it is up to you to send them a picture of a strong woman who can overcome adversity. So many of us love you and are pulling for your marriage. Love grandma.

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