And Now You’re All I Hear

I have to be honest with you. This is hard for me to write, but what I’ve learned is that the only thing I have left, the only control I have left is being able to write out how I feel and what I’m going through.

I have lied. I have pretended that things were looking up. Things were getting better. It isn’t. They aren’t. The truth is I am so hurt. I am so sad. I am so broken.

I have tried so hard to move forward. I have tried so hard to regain my strength, to be who I was, but that girl doesn’t exist anymore.

It has been one thing after another, over and over again. I have been overlooked, let down, disappointed and yet, through everything, no one gets it. No one understands what exactly they have done to me.

I don’t want to discredit the people who have reached out to me. Who have let me know just how important I am, but there are only a few of those people. To most I have become forgotten.

Moving to Texas last year was the worst thing that could have happened to me. I regret the decision every single day of my life. I hate it here. I hate the people here. I hate what my life has become here. There is no amount of money, no amount of anything that could make this decision better.

People laugh when I compare this place to Hell, but it is. The people are shallow. The people only think about themselves. And they bring out the worst in everyone.

I am bitter. I am resentful. I am full of anger and hurt. I have tried to get people to realize what’s happening, and it’s been happening since I got here, but no one gets it. I just need to have more faith, or give people another chance. I just need to accept it. Embrace it. Forgive. Move forward. Talk about it.

I am so sick of talking. I am so sick of being the only one who talks. Who constantly has to relive all of it. I talk. I get a handle on the situation, and then everyone is there to knock me back down. I can’t catch a break.

I try to remind myself that all I need is God. He is enough. He is enough. He is enough. But no matter how many times I tell myself that, no matter how many times I pray, no matter how many times I shut the world out and focus on just my relationship with him, it’s not, it’s not enough. I’m not there to pretend that it is. This girl, this woman, the one who never needed anything from anyone, now needs everything from everyone.

The truth is, I’ve been defeated. I am constantly reminded that I am not enough. I am not good enough. I have been abandoned, betrayed, forgotten, and left behind. Through all of it, I’m supposed to be the better person. Forgive, forget, move on. The truth is I’m about to lose it.

I have been isolated. I have no friends down here. Not like what I had at home. I have my church. And I have those relationships, but it’s not the same. No one knows me. No one can talk about the stupid things we did before. No one comes over. I can’t go anywhere. Everyone is moving on, moving forward, and I’m just sitting here, looking out the same window everyday, trapped.

The one person I had, the one person I thought I could count on through anything, betrayed me. He’s trying to make up for it, but the damage is done. And unfortunately, there’s not much he can do, not anymore. I think about it all of the time. I dream about it. I wake up and it’s the first thing on my mind. I go to sleep and it’s the last thing I think about. It controls me. It consumes me. And the sad thing is that it will never go away. It will be a part of my life forever. My marriage, my life, my family, none of it will ever be the same.

I don’t feel good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. I have no self esteem, no confidence. I hide all day long. Every insecurity I have ever had is taunting me now. They are in my face. They are constantly reminding me that I’m not good enough.

If I had been better, if I had been prettier, if I had been sexier, if I had been nicer, if I had been (fill in the blank), well, then he wouldn’t have cheated.

I can’t forget the pictures, the texts. It’s all there. Everything reminds me of it. A radio station, a restaurant, a hospital. And then I just have to deal with it because I believe in God, and I am, apparently, the only one held accountable for their actions, and well, it wouldn’t be very Christ-like if I did what I wanted to do, now would it? He forgave and did nothing to those that hurt Him and betrayed Him. He loved them. I want to get there, I do, but the thought of loving those who have done nothing but hurt me, well, it makes me feel pretty weak. And I am sick and tired of feeling weak.

I had to leave my family, my support, sure they are a phone call away, but it’s not the same. I come down here and I’m exposed to people who don’t like me. Who haven’t liked me. Who 9 years ago told me I was no longer welcomed in their house. Who have constantly played my husband against me. Who encourage my husband to lie to me. Who told my husband that it was either me or them. They fooled my husband into thinking they wanted us here. The truth? They wanted my husband. They wanted my kids. They did not and they do not want me here. I have tried to move on. I have tried, but they have defeated me.

They have lied. They have betrayed. And I have tried to keep my mouth shut. I have tried to turn the other cheek, but I’ve had enough.

I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with me? Something must be wrong with me.

I’ve been forgotten and overlooked down here and my friends back home have done the same since I left. No phone calls. No texts. It’s honestly like I don’t even exist anymore.

All I do is cry and sleep. If it wasn’t for my kids I wouldn’t bother. I wouldn’t even try, but they are all I have now. I have tried to make it better. I have tried to reach out. I have tried to tell myself that it isn’t me, but when you are the only common denominator, well, how can it not be you?

I have tried to focus on work. Doing what I can with what I have. I have sacrificed EVERYTHING. And yet, the people who I expected to be supportive, to understand, they haven’t, they don’t. They ignore. They tell others that what I do is a scam. After I have supported them through everything. After I have been there when they decided to take chances. Suddenly, all of that is forgotten. Once again proving the point that I’m not enough.

Well, congratulations, you win. Each of you, you win. I have finally been defeated. I have been broken. I have been let down. I have been forgotten. Each of you took what you wanted from me, you took it and you made sure that I had nothing left.

How frustrating. Because I’ve been on the other side. I’ve reminded others just how loved they are, just how important they are. I know all the right words to tell myself. The logical part of me knows that it isn’t me. I’m smarter than this, but it really doesn’t matter. I’ve stopped listening to myself, and I made the mistake of listening to you.

And now you’re all I hear.

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