Speechless.

I’m still in shock. Hard to believe what just happened.

I had asked God these questions. I had reached out to Him over and over again because I just couldn’t understand why things were going so slowly.

It’s only been a little over a month since I found out that my husband cheated on me. It’s been a difficult road to travel, but my relationship with God has been growing at an astounding rate.

I had it in my head that the day I found out that my husband had not been faithful would be the worst of it. That hasn’t been entirely true. There have been so many days since then that have been worse. It’s hard.

I get that it seems pretty clear cut from the outside, but inside, all the lines are blurred. Nothing makes sense. Well, except for Him. But on somedays that’s just not enough. I mean, it is enough, but I want more. I think I need more.

And so those are the days I reach out to Him. Begging Him to hear me and fix something. And then nothing happens.

Well, I shouldn’t say ‘nothing happens’, things happen, but, as they should be, they are on His time, not mine.

This morning has been rough. The kids woke up earlier than usual. The cat woke up as well. The only person who had no intentions of waking up, was me, but my family had other plans. And so I got up.

I walked out into the kitchen to make coffee only to remember that I didn’t clean it up last night as I told myself I would get it in the morning. Bleh. So then I had to clean up while the kids were running and jumping asking me 1000 times for breakfast. I wanted to yell at them and remind them that they were supposed to still be sleeping and that I hadn’t even had my coffee and so they would just need to chill, but instead, I asked God to give me patience.

I prayed quickly and gave thanks that my morning was this because it was everything I had wanted. I wanted to be grateful for what I had and that was two healthy kids in a kitchen that fed me last night and would feed them today.

Since my morning was all out of sorts I went to my computer to start work early. Checking emails, writing posts, checking orders. I was in full work mode.

I hadn’t had ‘time’ for God yet. Usually, I pray before I even get out of the bed. The enemy is always trying to attack me and so it was my best mode of defense. But I didn’t this morning and after the way things were going, I wasn’t sure when I would be making time for Him.

Then, quietly my computer notified me that I had a message. It was from a friend back home.

“Lauren-

For two days now I have felt in my spirit like I should message you. I’d noticed your blog posts and the titles caught my eye and so I’ve been reading your blog at night after the kids go to bed. First off let me just say that the prayer you posted, it was indeed exactly what I needed and I’ve been praying it in the morning’s. This morning I could not get through it without weeping. Thank you for posting it, truly-thank you!

This may come as a shock to you, but I was unfaithful to my husband. It was a long time ago, not even a year after we were married. Many know about it thanks to gossip and some don’t but I am not ashamed of it. Let me explain- I am obviously regretful of it and always will be, but I am not ashamed. I not ashamed because God forgave me, my husband forgave me and I am not standing in condemnation. God has used it to be a powerful ministry tool and a testimony to effect many. How could I be ashamed of that? The reason I wanted to reach out to you was to thank you for forgiving your husband! Until you have been the one on that side of that kind of forgiveness-you don’t know how it can literally transform you from the inside out. See we always have God’s forgiveness and His work done for us and we live and breathe that every day, but when someone in a flesh a blood, imperfect and human body surrenders to God’s will and forgives the unforgivable…something happens within the guilty that forever alters them. I am changed because of God, but also because of my husbands forgiveness. He showed me the most realistic and human version of unconditional love and forgiveness when he offered it to me despite my utter betrayal. He was a picture of what Christ did for us and does every day. He showed ultimate mercy in the light of God’s love and leading. His forgiveness towards me drove me to transformation, it caused me to face deeply ingrained issues and strong holds and truly come to surrender in Christ. I am not the same person I was the night he offered that forgiveness and I never will be again. Not only did God see enough in me to save me AND give me a second chance and pull me out of the pit I absolutely dug myself into, but so did my husband-they both saw enough in me, something in me I didn’t see myself and like the scripture says “His kindness leads us to repentance” and “love covers over a multitude of sin.” So you should know Lauren, your forgiveness isn’t a small thing. It is transforming, it is the ultimate gift we can give to another. It will forever change your husband and help him lead the life God calls him to lead. I know because like your husband, while everyone was ready to throw stones my way-my spouse reached down with Christ and helped pull me out of the pit and said “I forgive you.” In that moment I would never be the same and never have been the same since. Be encouraged that what you did was what God is in the business of doing every day and your partnership with that forgiveness did not go unnoticed by Christ. When you feel down, when you feel defeated and like you made the wrong decision-when the enemy comes in and tries to LIE you into a corner REMEMBER what forgiveness does, remember who forgiveness ultimately imitates.”

I froze. The whole world stopped while I read that. Imagine, I am sitting on the couch with God just talking. It had been me talking most of the time, but this was Him. This was His response. Yes, it came in the form of my friend, but I have never heard God speak so clearly.

It was everything that I had wanted to hear. EVERYTHING. He assured me He had always been listening. He confirmed that He was always with me even when I felt the loneliest.

Something is happening here. What a beautiful, beautiful thing to come from something so ugly. He does that. He makes everything beautiful.

There’s just nothing left to say. As a writer, a lover of words, I’m speechless. I think I’m just gonna go spend some time with Him. <3.

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