I know that title is going to throw a lot of you guys off balance. Trust me, it did the same thing to me too.
I am not mad at my husband. Repeat, I am not mad at my husband. I’m not. He cheated. Yeah, I’m mad at that. I’m mad at the action, not the man.
Don’t get too confused just yet. It took me awhile to get here. I was mad. I was very mad at him. But I can’t stay mad because he doesn’t know what it means to be a Godly husband. He never had the example.
The way I look at him he is just lost. He has no clue what to do. He loves me. I know that. I’ve known that. But he doesn’t know how to show it. He doesn’t know how to feel it. You have to understand that everything Justin knows, everything his friends and his family tell him, well, it goes against everything that a Godly marriage is and that’s not their fault either. They can’t know what they don’t know.
I have been through hell and back this last year and a half. But, I have my faith. I have God right there all of the time. He is always with me. Justin doesn’t know that God is with him too. All of the time.
He’s in the middle of a huge battle. He’s got the world telling him one thing and he has that small voice telling him another. He’s been put in the middle of his wife, his family, his friends, the world.
He’s embarrassed. He isn’t happy with what he did. He knows it wasn’t right. He knows he risked everything for something very stupid. He knows. And like I said before he expects to be hated. What he doesn’t expect is to be loved. To be understood. To be forgiven. It is my job as his wife to love him unconditionally, understand him, and forgive him. And especially, if no one else is going to do it, I have to be there to do it.
He knows I should leave. I mean, what can he say? He cannot justify it. He cannot make it better than it is.
The way I look at it, and again, it has taken me a long time to get here, but the way I look at it is we have two choices. We can let it break us. Or we can use this to make us.
Marriage is at the very heart of God. He made me for Justin. And He made Justin for me. There was no mistakes about it. No chance. I left for Wyoming on a 12 hour notice with a friend because that was God’s plan. I was going to meet my husband. God wants this marriage to work out. The enemy doesn’t. If the enemy can break this relationship, this family, well, that hurts God.
I’m still not over it. I may never be. I still get angry. I still cry. I still hurt. But this had to happen. This had to happen so I could love my husband again. This had to happen so I could find God. This had to happen so I could be transformed.
I could sit here and feel sorry for myself, and some days I do, but it’s so much more than this.
NOTHING ELSE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN ME HERE. And here is good. Here is where I’m supposed to be.
Justin did a crappy thing. Do you know how many crappy things I’ve done? Oh my gosh, I wasn’t always a good person. The thing is, a lot of people think that Justin and I are so different, but we aren’t. We are so much alike. This is why I can understand. This is why I can stay. I’ve been there.
I know, it’s hard. It’s hard to think that anything good could come out of this. (And that’s what the enemy wants us to think) And I have spent a lot of time asking God why and what was the point? But God is perfect. He knows what He’s doing. I see a transformation happening in myself. I see a maturity that I never knew existed. I see a strength in myself that I never knew I had. And most of all I have found hope.
Seriously, Justin and I could have kept going down the same road for a long time. We had become good at pretending. We were roommates. We had separate lives. Of course something big had to happen to change all of that.
And as much as I wish I could blame everything on Justin, I can’t. No, I do not believe that it is my fault that he cheated, but I get it. He made the choice to cheat, but I made that choice easier than it should have been.
You guys, I am sharing this with you, not because I want justification. Not because I want to embarrass him. But because I want to share Him with you. Because it isn’t about me or Justin, it’s about Him. And it’s about sharing Him with all of you. Which is something I have been wanting to do for a long time. I just never had the stories.
Out of all of these tragedies, look what is happening. He’s working in me. This isn’t something to be mad at, this is something to rejoice about!
See, this throws off the enemy. This makes it harder for him to convince Justin to turn away from God. Because, and I don’t care what you’ve known or what you’ve seen, but God is love. And if Justin can find love in all of this, if Justin can learn that he deserves love still and that there is someone who loves him no matter what, well, then this just can’t be bad.
I’ve said it before, God has made me exactly how I needed to be to face this. His timing was perfect. He knew I could get through it. He didn’t make Justin cheat. Again, that was Justin. But He has made this awful, awful, part of my life, perfect.
Because that’s what He does.
So, please, don’t be mad at Justin. Don’t hate him. Love him. He’s not a bad guy.
He is still writing his story and I’m just happy I can stick around to see what happens.