I. Am. So. Tired.
Today, I am giving up. Today, I am making the choice to finally be done.
I. Am. So. Tired.
I am tired of fighting. I am tired of running into the same wall, over and over and over and over. The scenery never changes. The outcome never changes. And I’m tired.
I. Am. So. Tired.
I’ve been through so much this last 2 years. Too much. It has made me angry and bitter. It has made me feel like the victim. It has made me look weak. It has made me look stupid. And it has controlled me.
It has controlled every single aspect of my life.
When I would get mad and overwhelmed I would scream at Justin ‘WHY AM I HERE? WHAT IS THE REASON FOR ALL THIS CRAP? JUST TELL ME WHY I’M HERE!!’
Up until this weekend, I could never come up with an answer, that was good enough.
But, the answer is Him.
Each one of these ‘crappy’ events has led me to right here, right now. My life has never been clearer. I have never been more at peace, than now.
Moving to Texas. Leaving my family. Leaving my friends. Having absolutely no one down here. Someone who was once very independent is now one of the most dependent. Financial hardships. Thinking we moved to Texas for more money, when in fact, we make more money, but we spend just as much and so nothing’s really changed. Getting into a car accident with my kids that was completely out of my hands and being reminded to give up control because even when I think I’m in control, I’m not. I’ve never been. And finally, dealing with an unhappy marriage and a cheating spouse. Proof that God is who He says He is and that He can do anything because, well, I’m still here, aren’t I?
It’s all so much bigger than I could have ever imagined. But God chose me. He knew that I could handle everything. He knew that it would bring me to Him. He knew that I would be stubborn and I would fight against Him with everything I had, but He knew that once He got me, that I would fight for Him with everything I have.
All weekend, God has reminded me to submit. To give it all to Him. All weekend. In fact, I have never heard God be more clear.
I’ve thought on a few different occasions that I had fully submitted, only to discover that I was always holding on to me, my wants, my needs, my agenda even if I was just clinging on with one last finger. I have never given it all to God, ever and until now, I was completely okay with that.
But I am so tired, y’all.
All weekend, I fought Him. Giving it to Him, meant no immediate results on this end. It meant that the people who had wronged me, who had hurt me, who had betrayed me, would just keep going on with life, like nothing ever happened. There would be no vengeance. No one would hurt the way I had been hurting. Because in all of these events that took place, I was the one who suffered. I was the one who hurt. I was the one who’s life completely stopped.
And let me be very honest with you, when I hurt, I want someone else to hurt. When I suffer. I want someone else to suffer. I’m not perfect. I’m human. I’m vengeful. If you wrong me, I will make you pay. Not very Christ-like, I know, but it’s hard to portray Christ, when you are too busy thinking about yourself and I was living for just myself.
It was a constant battle in my house. I have never really experienced the Devil on one shoulder, and the Angel on the other, but here it was. I was in a war. I knew what I should do. I knew what I wanted to do. I knew the right answer, but I just couldn’t pick it.
I would have glimpses into the right answer. I could see what the right answer would do for me, for my family, for my relationships, but the enemy is so good at playing games with us.
My husband cheated. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I found out before it went further. This was my unforgivable. My husband knew that. I had never expected him to be the type to cheat. In fact, I was sure that he wouldn’t. But he did. The way the events unfolded during those few days where I finally found out, it was ugly. My marriage was falling apart. I had opened a separate bank account where I was stashing money so I could leave him. I had told friends and family that it would take an absolute miracle to make this work. (At least, I was right in that sense.) I have never been so hurt before in all of my life. And I had been cheated on before this. I walked in on my then boyfriend screwing another woman in my bed. As familiar as I was, it had never felt like this.
I had never loved Justin more and hated him more. I was a walking contradiction. I knew I wanted to stay and fix our marriage, but the sight of him made me sick. I couldn’t eat. I drank. A lot. I didn’t want to look weak. And I couldn’t talk about it because I knew no one would understand.
They had been telling me to leave for months already.
I found out Justin was cheating pretty easily. It was God. I know it was. But God also gave me the choice to stay or not. You see, I had been praying for God to bless my business. I was trying to save enough money to leave, but I never had enough. I was always short. Until then. I had more than enough. I also had prayed that I wouldn’t have any ties to Texas. When kids are involved things get tricky. I had already spoken to a lawyer about leaving. Unfortunately, Adelaide would be my tie to Texas, and if Justin wanted to, he could fight me in court and prevent me from going back home. But then, when I found out he cheated, there was more. I could ruin him. I could ruin the other woman. And no court would ever tell me to stay.
I had everything I had ever wanted/needed to break free. I had more than enough. People wouldn’t judge me, they would understand. They would have taken my side. But I knew I couldn’t leave. While my whole world was crashing down around me, I knew, and the only thing I knew, was that I loved my husband, and I had vowed for better or worse. And this, this was the ‘worse’.
You see, I had been so busy looking at everyone else, paying attention to everyone else, that I stopped noticing myself. But I got it. It took a long time for me to understand, but I got it.
I needed a lesson in forgiveness, well here it was. I bet that you guys would expect me to hate this woman. I did, but not as much as I hated myself. And in fact, I don’t hate her anymore. I’m grateful for her. More importantly, I was her.
No, I didn’t entice married men, but something is missing inside of her, just like it was missing inside of me.
I’m not sure if there should be a dramatic chain of events. I don’t even know if I’m doing it ‘right’, but what I do know, is that I’m done. I’m giving all of it to God. I don’t want any more. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to be tricked and deceived by the enemy. I want the abundant life that is promised to us. I’m done being angry. I’m done being hurt. I’m done being weak.
If forgiving people means that I have to wake up every single morning and decide to forgive them, then that’s what I’ll do. I don’t want revenge. I don’t want people to hurt. I want freedom. I want love. But most importantly, I want people to see Christ in me, so those who don’t know Him, can.
I’m going to see myself the way God sees me. I am just as baffled as anyone else as to why God would use me. I am far from perfect. I am broken. I am messy. But for some reason, I am exactly who He wants for the job. What a compliment!?
So, I’m giving it up. God is and has always been enough. God will provide for me. He will take care of me. And He will use me to bring people to Him. That’s so much sweeter than revenge. Little ol’ me. Just a girl from a small town. The biggest doubter. The biggest skeptic. The control freak. A modern day Saul, if you will.
I have been knocked down to nothing. But because God loves me He has pulled me back up. I still can’t stand on my own, probably never will again. But that’s okay. Because now I stand with Him.
“But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are,” 1 Corinthians 1: 27-28