So today I woke up, early. I went to bed angry last night. My feelings were hurt and well, to be honest, it just appears that the only life that’s changing the last few weeks has been mine. Do you know how crappy that is?
I’m going to get honest for a minute. Real honest. There is no reason why, after all the crap I have been through, I should be the one changing. NONE. I didn’t do anything. And now I’m doing everything to fix it. Or so I thought.
Here’s what they don’t tell you. Forgiving people sucks. It’s hard. And it’s not like you can just forgive them once and move on. No, I literally wake up every single morning and I have to decide, before I even put my feet down, whether or not I forgive them today.
Every. Single. Day.
And then what they leave out again is that most of the time, the people you have to forgive, they don’t really care whether or not your forgive them. I mean, they might, in the beginning, but until they’ve been hurt the way you have, they don’t realize that this will probably continue for the rest of your life. And that you are in constant battle with yourself.
So not only do I have to wake up deciding whether or not I’m going to forgive, I have to do it for myself only. Seriously, enter explicative here.
It’s funny, though, because this is so hard and so difficult for me, remember, I don’t think I’ve actually ever forgiven anyone in my whole life, and now, I’m faced with forgiving what I consider an ultimate betrayal. The final straw, if you will. And I am always asking God to remind me that I want to forgive, that I should forgive. And He does. But He does it through the person I need to forgive, who acts like it doesn’t really matter if I forgive or not. Are you kidding me??!!
Lately, I’ve been following the advice of my Deacon, in attempts to sort through all of this funk that I find myself in. I am asking God on an everyday, almost every moment, basis ‘What is it that you want me to know about how I’m feeling?’ I’m trying so hard to understand, and the more I learn, the more I realize I don’t get it. And I’m not sure that I will EVER get it. Not on my terms, anyways.
And so, we’re back at the beginning. Full circle. It’s back to trust, but it’s not just that I don’t trust people, it’s that I don’t trust God, apparently. Even as I write that, I am sitting here justifying to myself that I do trust God, almost pleading with Him, but He knows, and I know, I don’t really.
What a hard realization to come to? I want nothing more than to trust God. I don’t like stressing or worrying. And I don’t want to keep myself from living an abundant life. But I am.
You see, it’s actually myself standing in my own way. Sure, I can blame it on everybody else, but when you start digging deep, really deep, and things start getting uncomfortable, well, then you see that it’s all me, and has been.
I have been knocked down. The breath has been taken from me. I have struggled to get back on my feet. I still struggle. Everything I know, everything I have known, is no longer the same. Everything is different. And I am learning to not just walk, but stand all over again.
It won’t matter how much progress we make. It won’t matter how much better I feel. It won’t matter how many times someone can apologize, none of it matters until I decide to trust God. Because once I can start trusting God, I can realize when the enemy is just playing tricks on me.
I reflect a lot about what happened. Why did it have to happen? Why me? Why now? I have so many unanswered questions, but I’m starting to figure it out and it’s not because I understand, it’s because I’m starting to obey.
I needed to be knocked down. Does that mean God wants to hurt me? No way. Even if I don’t know much, I know that I am going through what I am going through because He loves me.
No, but He needed to get me back to the beginning. He wanted me to start over. I know I am not the same person I was before this happened. I’ve tried getting back there, but that girl is gone. And that’s okay. Because that girl relied on herself. No one else.
Now, that girl can’t even get up. When I try to do this on my own, when I try to fix this all by myself, I can’t. I could have before, but now I can’t. It’s because I finally realize just how much I need Him.
I need Him.
So, what do you want me to know about how I’m feeling?
He wants me to know I’m loved. I’m good enough. I’m pretty enough. I’m special enough. He wants me to know that He’s taking care of all of it. Just as He has before. He wants me to know that He is always with me. He has never left me. He wants me to know that I’m doing exactly what I should be doing. He’s been here. He knows what’s going to happen next. He wants me to know that I am not weak. That I’m stronger than I have ever been before. He wants me to know that He’s using me. He wants people to see Him through me.
I’m not doing this for myself. I’m not forgiving for myself. It’s all for Him. Just like it should be. Just like I’ve prayed for. It’s all about Him, and I just need to finally trust Him.
It makes me nervous to say it. To sign my name on the dotted line, if you will. Because once I do this, once I finally give it to Him, I have, not only, given up my control, but I have also made myself a target for the enemy and I have got to get ready for the fight. Hard to do when you feel so weak. I don’t think that I’m ready for a battle, but I trust that God is, and I trust Him to ultimately defeat my enemy, and if He thinks I’m ready, well then, let’s do it.