A week ago my life was turned upside down. In an instant everything I knew was over. Everything was different. It knocked me down and I struggled to pull myself back up.
Is it weird I am thankful it happened? I’m not ready to talk about the details. There is still a lot of healing that needs to take place, but what I am ready to share with you, is how good God is.
Y’all, He is so good.
This past week was probably the hardest week of my life. I have been faced with my wishes, my fears, my mistakes, my triumphs, my weaknesses. Everything. I have been right in the middle of God and the enemy. I have been fighting a war.
You see, I have spent so much time praying for everyone else. Praying that these people get ‘fixed’, but I never spent any time asking God to fix me. And through all of this. Through betrayal and trust and faith and sadness, I’ve learned so much more about myself and my relationship with God.
I have faced my fear head on this past week. I have always feared looking weak, appearing inferior. I would hide my sadness. I wouldn’t allow myself to love to my full potential all because I was afraid that I wouldn’t look strong.
I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I have never felt so weak before, but at the same time I’ve never been as strong either.
Again, not giving all of the detail, I have been asked to forgive an unforgivable. My deal breaker. In the moment I was faced with my unforgivable I knew that it wasn’t impossible because I had God. In a sense, I wasn’t giving myself credit enough for being strong because to the world I know I look weak, but as a good friend reminded me this week, ‘we are not of this world.’
I have decided to forgive. It’s ironic because I have prayed and wished and hoped for such a situation, and He has given me more than I need to destroy lives. I don’t exaggerate. I could destroy people right now. And I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it. I have. A lot. But it was like God gave it to me and then also put it on my heart to do what I had been asking for for a long time.
I have been desperate to build a deeper relationship with God. I have asked for Him to help me learn to trust and put Him first. It may sound easy, but I think it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do. It goes against everything we’ve been taught. It goes against everything we know. But I wanted it. Deep down I knew/know that if I put God first then everything else would fall perfectly into place.
Easier said than done.
But here it was. In my weakest moment, in the moment where everything that I knew, changed, here it was. He was answering so many of my prayers. I had everything that I wanted to destroy people. People that had made me so mad. People that had hurt me. It would be easy to hurt them back. And the thing is, I would be completely justified in doing so. You would tell me that they deserved it, but what I realized most in that moment was that more then I wanted to destroy someone, I wanted that relationship with God.
And at that moment, when I decided that I wanted God instead of anything else, the craziest things happened. I forgave my enemies. I wasn’t mad anymore. I know that I’m still hurt, but I don’t feel hurt. I feel loved.
Now, don’t get me wrong, the enemy is still trying to get me to change my mind. I have never actually experienced anything like this before. You all know what I’m talking about. I’ve got the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other and I am in constant battle. All the enemy has to do is make me doubt myself, my God. That’s it. He doesn’t actually have to put any effort into it.
This is how God shows me just how strong I am, how strong WE are. Because while the enemy doesn’t have to really lift a finger, I have to constantly fight. I have to choose the hard choice. I have to believe in faith and I have to trust God.
People will say ‘well how do you even know He’s there?’ Well, I guess I don’t really know. I mean, I’ve not had any concrete evidence that says He’s here, but I can say that when you stop fighting and you stop being tricked by the enemy, you know He’s there.
This past week God has answered so many prayers for me. Prayers that have been years old. Prayers that I have forgotten I asked. Sometimes it takes me a minute to realize that He just answered a prayer. Other times it’s right in my face. All of the time it leaves me in complete awe.
He has always blessed me, but the blessings He has given me over this past week, once I forgave my enemies and I gave it to Him, it’s been unbelievable.
I have been cosleeping with Jaxsyn since he was about 2 1/2 years old. It’s what we know. Justin has been sleeping on the couch most of the time. It worked well for awhile because Justin would get up early for work, the bed was cramped with all 3 of us, and, well, Jaxsyn had no intention to ever go back in his room. And honestly, I wasn’t trying as hard as I could to get him to go back in his room.
Well, God placed it on my heart that I would need to get Jaxsyn back into his room, in his own bed. And so I asked Jaxsyn ‘Jax, when are you going to sleep in your room like a big boy?’ He thought about it and said ‘I don’t want to, I want to sleep with you.’ I told him that eventually he would need to go back in his room because mommy and daddy need to sleep together. He looked at me, thought about it for a second and said ‘if I had bunk beds, I’d go into my room and sleep.’
I laughed. Of course it would be something that we couldn’t provide now. We don’t have the money for bunk beds. But I tried something different. God had placed it on my heart to talk to Jaxsyn and to try and get Jaxsyn back in his room and so I talked to God.
‘God, he wants bunk beds. Lord, could you bless my business this month so I could look into saving money to get some bunk beds for him.’ It was simple. I didn’t really know what to say. And I always feel silly asking God for things, but remember, He told me to put Him first and everything else will fall into place.
3 days later, I see a picture of bunk beds on my friend’s Facebook. She was sharing the picture on behalf of another friend of ours who needed to sell these bunk beds because she was moving and they had no where to put them.
I asked her how much she was selling them for. $650. Well, I didn’t have $650. She then told me that she would go down on the price just for me. I told her that I would have to talk to Justin.
Here’s another lesson. I usually make the decisions in this family. God has also placed it on my heart to let my husband do his job as a husband. And so I asked Justin if we could get these bunk beds. My friend had agreed to let us pay half now, half later. He said no. He said that he wanted to make sure that we had enough money, since he’s been on a training salary for 6 weeks now. And he didn’t want to spend any money until he knew for sure what our finances would look like.
Not the answer I wanted and before I would have protested and I would have said ‘I’m the one who budgets, blah blah blah.’ But I let it go and I did what I, as a wife, was supposed to do.
I told my friend that Justin had said no, not right now. And I thought that was that.
She messaged me back and said that she would be willing to work anything out for us. She had no where to keep these bunk beds and she trusted me. So I could pay what I could when I could until I paid off.
Yep, this is where your jaw can drop wide open.
I prayed for bunk beds and now we’re getting bunk beds. Today. Just like that. Just like that He provided.
I still get goosebumps.
But there’s more. I know, right? You see that same friend mailed me a book to borrow. I opened the book and inside found a note and a check. It wasn’t a lot, but God had placed it on her heart to bless me and my family. It was probably the nicest thing anyone has done for me. She apologized for not being able to do more, and then the bunk beds happened.
God is so awesome and so amazing that He was able to take this moment and show Himself to both of us.
I know most of you wouldn’t understand what I’m going to say next, but I am so grateful for everything that happened this past week, because if it hadn’t, well, I had every intention of leaving my husband. I was figuring out how to go home, how to run away. I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t just allow my business to explode so I could pay for the plane tickets I needed to leave. I was done. My marriage was over. And I had no more fight in me, but now, today, this week, my marriage is stronger than it has EVER been. I am more in love with my husband today than I have EVER been. I don’t want to run away. I don’t want to give up on this. I now realize just how much this marriage is worth fighting for. I am finally happy, really, really happy.
And just like He promised, everything is falling into place just as it should.