Well, that was weird.
Yesterday turned out to be one of the worst days of my life. Stop. Don’t feel bad just yet. At the same time, it was one of my best. I told you it was weird.
I still can’t wrap my mind around what has happened.
I’m not going to get into all the details. I’m doing my best to rid my mind. But it was bad. I mean really, really bad.
I hate forgiving. I know, I know. In order to be forgiven we must forgive. Yeah. I got it.
I’ve written on the subject before with claims that I had forgiven my husband and others. I’m sorry to let you know, but I lied. I never actually forgave them.
I’ve also been questioning the power and presence of God. So much has been going on in my life. Things that I believe are unfair and undeserving. I have felt betrayed by God, but after a lot of reflection, turns out, I was the betrayer, not Him.
I cannot even begin to explain to you what it feels like to think God’s not there. To question everything you’ve ever believed. I ran out of tears. I still felt like crying, sobbing, weeping, but I just dried up. That’s when you know you’re at your weakest point. Rockbottom. You just don’t have any fight left.
For so long I have felt sorry for myself. And It’s obvious why. If I shared every detail with you, any of you, you would of course stand in my corner and tell me that I deserved better. That I should just leave. You would be my number one fans. But what I learned last night is that there was so much more to the picture. And I wasn’t as innocent as I once thought.
Last night during a time of conviction of someone else, I was the one feeling convicted. As I tried to call out the faults and blame as to why we were where we were, I was saying one thing and thinking a completely different thing.
I have never had so many thoughts running through my mind at once.
I hated, yet loved.
I wanted to run away, but stay forever.
I wanted to cry, but laugh.
I wanted to be right and I wanted to forgive.
I would laugh and then cry and then laugh and then cry. For hours.
I wanted to tell everyone, but no one at the same time.
Never had so many thoughts running through my mind at once.
I didn’t even know what this forgiveness would look like. As familiar as this situation was, I was lost. I couldn’t figure out what to do. I knew I didn’t have it in me to forgive. I know I don’t have it in me to do a whole lot. Not on my own, anyways.
No, I’m saying I’m weak. I know I’m not. I’m probably one of the strongest women you will ever meet. I don’t mean to ‘toot’ my own horn, but it’s true. Also, I’m really stubborn. I believe one is helped by the other.
But at that moment yesterday, at the moment that I’m pretty sure is going to change everything, at that moment I knew I couldn’t do it alone.
I was so angry.
But then it just went away. Just like that. JUST. LIKE. THAT.
At a moment where I felt so alone and so betrayed, I also felt safe. It was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. Ever.
All of the stress. All of the tears. All of the anger. All of the heart ache. It all went away.
Seconds before I had no idea how I was ever going to be able to forgive, to trust, to love again. No clue. And in an instant, I got it and it wasn’t daunting or overwhelming. It was simple. I would just forgive.
Before I wanted someone to hurt as much as I did. I wanted revenge. But in that moment I didn’t want those things anymore. I just wanted to forgive. I just forgave.
Y’all. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. It all makes sense. In a time in my life where nothing made sense, here it is. Here’s the answer. It’s all so simple, but I never saw it coming.
Something that could have been the worst thing to happen to me was also, in many ways, answers to my prayers. He had a purpose the whole time. Even when I didn’t think He was anywhere near me. He was. And He was working to make everything better, not just everyone else, but me too, mainly me. He was fixing me. Just like I asked. Just like I prayed for.
You see I knew something would have to happen. I knew that it would have to be drastic. But I didn’t know it would be me. I was too busy looking and pointing at everyone else. Praying for them to be better for me, when really all I needed to do was pray for myself to be better for Him.
Too often, we try to mold life, others, ourselves to look how we see fit, but He knows what He’s doing and He made us just the way we are supposed to be. He has made us perfectly for where we are, for what we are going through, and if we just make the decision to focus on Him and not everything else, then it won’t be as bad as we make it out to be. He doesn’t cause the struggle in our life, we do.
And rockbottom isn’t a pretty place to be. It hurts. I cannot tell you how much it hurts. But the thing about rockbottom is that you’re done falling. Everything stops. You can catch your breath. You can regain your footing. And the greatest thing about rockbottom is that you finally get to look up.