Fear

I’ve always believed that God was in control. Deep down I’ve always known, but because I am only human, because I struggle so much with control, I’ve never really just let Him take the wheel and drive.

If you look back on my past posts, you will notice the trend of trying so hard to control my life. But what I’ve learned in the last week or so is that control is the equivalent of fear. And, I’ve been scared for a long time.

The Sunday, before our flight, Jaxsyn asked me what I was scared about. “Mom, why are you so scared to fly?” He asked me. I was caught off guard and I did my best to pretend I wasn’t scared, but he could tell. And so I was honest with him.

I learned in those few seconds what my biggest fear was. What it all came down to. My biggest fear was not being able to protect my children.

I didn’t really believe the plane would come crashing down. I wasn’t scared for myself. I was scared because at 33,000 feet in the air there’s not much that I, mom, can do.

Here I am responsible for the kids. God has given them to me to take care of them, to raise them, and to protect and love them.

As I told Jaxsyn my answer to his very powerful question, he looked at me and said “I’m not worried, you and God always keep me safe.” And that was that. He was so right.

Not only are Jaxsyn and Adelaide God’s children, but so am I. And just as I protect my children, God protects His.

He took care of me on that flight. When we began to shake He reminded me that He was bigger than all of it. Just like Jaxsyn believed that he had nothing to be scared of, I realized I didn’t either.

One of my most favorite songs and prayers is Hillsong United ‘Oceans’. I love that song. I listen to it all of the time and I pray.

I am constantly asking The Lord to take me deeper and further and let me learn to trust on Him, and when He does, I don’t like it. He must think I’m crazy. And maybe I am.

But here’s the thing. I am going to go when it’s my time to go. It could be on an airplane, on a boat, in a car, or while I’m sitting on the couch. It’s not up to me. He wrote my story, every last detail, and I just have to remember that He loves me and so everything I do, everything I go through, has a purpose, His.

I am 30 years old and it wasn’t until this past Monday that I realized I have nothing, NOTHING to fear. Not saying I’m going to go bungee jumping or anything like that, but I’m not scared anymore.

Just as I will take care of my kids no matter where we are, even if I think I’m helpless, He will always be there to take care of me, and He’s never helpless. He’s bigger than all of it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s