Some of you may know how hard my marriage has been lately. It seems that nothing is getting easier. In fact, as each day passes, it just gets harder and harder. I am lonelier than I have ever been. I am being chipped away and I am standing on nothing. My foundation has been shaken. And I’m lost.
Normally, I would run to my husband. Even if I knew he didn’t have the advice to give, it was just nice to have someone to talk to. Someone that knew me. That knew all of me. But there’s no one that I can really run to now. This has to be one of the darkest periods in my life.
But I’m not leaving.
You see, I thought I was staying because I was stubborn. Because I refused to give up. “I wasn’t a quitter,” I would say. But that’s not why I’m staying. It has nothing to do with me, actually.
I had a dear friend of mine remind me that I was made for this. This moment, this season, this time in my life, God made me specifically for this. He knows what I’m going through. He knew that I would have to be strong to get through this. He also knew that I would want to leave and that my faith would be tested, but He knew I wouldn’t go anywhere.
Nope, I’m not leaving.
And maybe I should. I know I would have the support to do so. I know I would be right in leaving. I know I would be justified. I know that because people tell me. I know that because I would tell myself that.
But I won’t. I’m just going to take a step back and wait. I’m going to wait until my husband wants to be a husband again. I’m going to wait for him to get through whatever is going on in his life to keep him distracted from me. I’m going to be there for him through all of it.
He may want me gone. He may want me out of his life, but I’m not leaving. I’m going to sit here and wait. Because I would want him to do the same for me. I would want to know that he loves me regardless of if I deserved to be loved. I would want to know that I could count on him through anything. I would want to be reminded that I am not alone even when it appears to be me against the world. So I’m not leaving.
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and there are days when I wake up and think ‘not again’, but what I know is that I was made for this and I was made for him. God made us for each other, even if we don’t always like each other. Even if we are the last people we want to see. Even if we are a reminder of how unhappy we are some days, we were made for each other.
So while I may be ignored. While I may be forgotten and left alone. I’m sticking it out, and whenever he decides that he’s ready, I’ll be here. Because that’s what marriage is.