I’ve been dealing with some personal troubles and struggles lately. And I’ve even been at a place in my faith where I felt like I should back off just a little bit in order not to upset others. I don’t like feeling like that.
I don’t like having to pick and choose and so I don’t, usually. Just ask my friends. If we are out shopping and my friend holds up 2 of something, but in different colors and ask ‘Which one?’ I respond, ‘both’.
Why should we have to choose anyways? I am a firm believer in having your cake and eating it too, because, let’s be honest, why in the world would you make a cake that you weren’t going to eat. Seriously, that’s not even an option.
But no matter how strong the protest, I always end up choosing, and most of the time I choose everything else, but Him.
Because sometimes He puts a wedge between me and those I care about.
And then I started thinking about Jesus dying on the cross. He could have chosen to be anywhere else, but there. He could have chosen to run away. He could have chosen himself.
But He didn’t. Nope, He didn’t choose the easy way out. He chose God and He chose God’s plan. And even in that moment where He felt forsaken by God, by His father, He still chose Him over everything else in the world. Especially over himself.
I cannot tell you how many times I have felt forsaken by God. How I have felt completely alone, facing the world on my own, with no one else standing by my side. I cannot tell you how many times I have cried myself to sleep asking Him to just be here with me. And I cannot tell you how many times I never noticed that He was there, the whole time, every single time.
Because, I was too busy choosing myself. For someone who didn’t like having to choose, I was getting good at always choosing myself. If He wasn’t going to be here, then I could do it myself. When things got bad, I chose myself. When things get bad, I choose myself.
No wonder I’m tired. No wonder my ‘to-do’ list never stops. No wonder I never get a break. I have chosen to put it all on me.
God’s never actually forsaken me. I mean, Jesus actually felt forsaken (maybe He was, that’s for another discussion) and He still did what His father wanted Him to do. God has never left my side. He’s always standing in my corner, rooting for me. He is my biggest cheerleader, and yet, somehow, I don’t hear Him. Because I’m too busy choosing myself.
But it is during this week especially that I remember that He chose me. He chooses me. And for a brief moment, I can relax.
Why is it so hard to choose God? I mean, this is a serious question. Why is it so hard? I don’t know about you, but I never get it right on my own. I’ve never succeeded. I’ve never ‘won’. I’ve never been able to do it, not without Him right there with me. So then why do we even put up the fight? Why do we make it harder on ourselves? Choosing God isn’t the hard part when you really get down to it.
If anything we forsake ourselves. We forsake ourselves when we choose the hard way. And I’m forsaking my personal relationships when I deliberately choose to leave Him out.
He’s not the wedge, I am.