You Want Honesty?

So I don’t usually like to blog on the weekends. It’s my time to slow down for a moment and catch my breath. And also I want people to read what I write and I’ve noticed that a lot of people are so busy doing things, that they don’t have time to read and so I feel like, sometimes, that my words are lost, and no writer likes to feel like that.

But I couldn’t wait to write this.

This week has been a struggle. I’ve put on my brave face and I’ve mustered through the week appearing unharmed, but something just hasn’t felt right.

Now I know that it was nothing other than God’s love, grace, and His outstretched hand that saved, not only my life, but the lives of my children. I know that. I know that with every fiber of my being. But I can’t shake the uneasy feeling I have about everything.

Every time I step into a car, I wonder if I will step out. I am so scared. And I just feel like I can’t cling to God because I’m uncertain. It’s so strange because I still believe in Him just as much as I did before, if not more, but I have never felt more alone than in this past week.

Instead of desiring to be near Him, I just want to hide from Him. I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I had a life-changing experience and, well, my life hasn’t changed.

I thought that I would be better, appreciate more, love more, but I’m not, instead I feel selfish and ungrateful. It’s been disappointing. And I’ve been feeling guilty.

I have been falling back into my old patterns, trying to wrap my mind around why God does what He does or in this case did what He did. I’m searching for an answer that will make it right, that will make me understand why I had to go through that.

I am angry at myself because I feel like I have made progress in my walk with Jesus and now, now, not only am I taking steps backwards, but I’m running. This should have been a huge eye-opener. This should have been the ‘kick’ that I needed to change who I am and to become who God wants me to be, but it hasn’t.

Because if I wasn’t going to learn anything from this, if it wasn’t going to make me a better wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, then why. Why did this have to happen to me. Why do I have to be constantly reminded of that day? It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, everything is a reminder. And it makes me angry.

He didn’t have to show me this way. I was paying attention. I was listening. I was learning. I was encouraging. I was doing my best. So He didn’t have to show me this way. That’s the way you show people who don’t know who you are. I knew who He was. I know who He is.

But that’s it. That’s all that I have. As people move on, I’m still standing here, stuck in this one place, trying to pretend that I have it all figured out. The key word being trying.

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