I caught myself doing it again. I don’t know why I do it, well, I guess I do. I do it because I’ve been taught to do it. I’ve been raised to believe it, but I should stop. We should all stop.
Today, something didn’t work out. As most days, when things don’t work out, I simply think to myself “He must have something better planned.” But then as I thought about it, that’s not always true.
Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way doubting the capabilities of my God, but why do we automatically assume that He has something better planned?
I am always guilty of trying to justify or figure out God and His plans. When you take a step back and you think about it, that’s impossible. Truly, truly impossible.
There is no way that I could ever actually understand God or His plans. I just can’t. We just can’t.
He is so far, so much more advanced than we ever will be, that it is unfair to me and to Him to even try and begin to understand Him.
So today, when that bad thing happened and I thought “He must have something bigger planned.” I stopped myself. I don’t need to have faith that He will do bigger because He does enough. Him being Him is enough. He has already done enough for me.
So then it got me to thinking. Do I only have faith because I believe that when He says ‘No’ it means that He’s got something better in store?
I stopped what I was doing and I prayed. I didn’t ask for anything. I didn’t expect anything bigger or better. I just stopped and I said “Lord, I am so sorry if this is how I’ve been. I don’t love you because you make everything bigger and better and if I have, I’m sorry. Please forgive me because what you do is enough and I don’t even deserve a ‘no’ from you. I want to have faith because I just want to have faith. There should be no reading between the lines with you. Lord forgive me.”
I couldn’t stop thinking about it and it was bothering me all day. I had strived so hard to have a real, honest, open relationship with Him and it hurt me that I felt, as though, I was only faithful because of what would happen. The doors that would open. The No’s that would turn to Yes. How ugly and selfish of me.
And then you want to know what happened next? Just because He loves me. Just because He can. He said ‘yes’. Once again, I didn’t deserve it. I don’t deserve it. But He did it.
He never ceases to amaze me. He is truly like a parent. He is my father. And I’m okay if He doesn’t say ‘yes’ all of the time, and I’m okay if when He says ‘no’ He means ‘no’. I don’t need to understand.
The only thing that I need to know is that He sent His only son to die for my sins so that I may spend eternity in Heaven. That’s it.