Today has been long. And hard. It’s not been a favorite, that’s for sure.
I am angry. And hurt. And upset.
Today, we were hoping for some good news. Scratch that, GREAT news. But we didn’t get it. And I’m mad.
I am a firm believer that if God says ‘no’ to something that He has something better planned for us. I know this is true because I’ve lived it over and over and over again. But that doesn’t mean that hearing ‘no’ is any easier. It never get easier.
I was really looking forward to hearing ‘yes’ today. I was certain we would hear ‘yes’ and so maybe that’s why it makes me even more mad.
And so through all the crying, and the yelling, and the shaking of the finger, I got it.
I posted my new favorite song on the blog a few days ago. Hillsong United, ‘Oceans’. It’s amazing. And if you haven’t heard it yet, you should go listen to it. More than just pretty music it has become my new go-to prayer. I thought I understood the song, seeing as how I have listened to it over and over and over again, but it wasn’t until tonight that I finally got it.
‘You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand’
It is so easy to believe in God and in Christ when things look good. It’s easy to trust someone when you don’t really need to trust them. The same applies to our relationship with God. It’s so easy to praise Him when the skies are clear, but our true relationship reveals itself when things get tough.
And so, yes, He calls us out upon the waters and a lot of the times when He calls me, I’m just swimming. I’m trying to keep it together, I’m trying to stay afloat, but if I don’t have Him I sink. Sometimes I sink fast and sometimes it takes awhile. Either way, it’s always too much for me. I need Him.
And I think when He says ‘no’ He is simply reminding me that I need Him. He’s reminding me to give it all up and let Him take care of me.
‘Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed, anhttp://wordpress.com/post/d You won’t start now’
I feel Him the most, not when I’ve got it all figured out or when things are going smoothly. Most of the time I ‘forget’ that He’s there. I have this false sense of security within myself. I think that things are going well because I’m making them go well, but we all know how untrue that is. I feel Him the most when I need Him the most. And when you’re standing in the middle of ‘open water’ struggling to keep afloat, He’s there.
When I’m scared and I know that I can’t do it. He’s there.
‘So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine’
I don’t know why this lesson is so hard for me to learn. I don’t know why I can’t just ‘get it’ once and for all. I almost wonder if I will ever really understand.
‘Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior’
This is the part of the song that really gets me. Having the guts and the faith to truly trust that God has our best intentions. He loves us so much that when He says ‘no’ it’s hard to understand. But the truth is I want to trust Him. And I do. In a sense. Like I said, I trust Him when things are looking good.
Here’s where I know God has a sense of humor. (Be careful what you pray for!) So here I am, constantly praying for a deeper relationship with God. I pray to Him daily that I will learn what it means to truly rely on Him, and so He puts me in situations where I can do nothing but rely on Him and what do I do? I get mad. And I pray that He fixes it. Quickly.
And He does. I know He’s got better things in store for me and for our family. I know that I can’t even imagine what He’s got planned because my mind is simple. But I know that He’s been there, just as the song says. He’s never failed me. He will never fail me. He will lead me to where He knows I will be able to do nothing but rely on Him. He will say ‘no’ every now and again just so that He can say ‘yes’ because His timing is perfect.
Again, it doesn’t make it any easier. And no one ever wants to hear ‘no’, but knowing that He’s there in the good, in the bad, and in everything in between, I feel a sense of peace.
And when I take a minute to calm down. And I stop the yelling, the crying, and the finger pointing I am reminded that I am loved by Him. We are all loved by Him. Even if we don’t have it together. Even if He has to keep teaching us the same lesson, over and over and over. He loves us. And at the end of a very long and hard day, it’s nice to be reminded.