You’ll have to excuse me, I haven’t really been in the ‘mood’ for Jesus lately.
Of course, I still love Him and I still believe Him to be who He says He is. And yes, I still want to honor Him, but I’m just not in the mood for all of it.
But He doesn’t really care about that. At all, actually.
He doesn’t really care if I’m in the ‘mood’ for Him, because He is still always there. He never leaves my side. He never walks away. And this past week all I’ve wanted Him to do is walk away and just leave me alone.
But He won’t.
You see, this week I’ve been angry. I’ve been irritable. I’ve been confused. I think it’s because my birthday is coming up and this time last year is when my life really started to change.
Around this time last year my husband had left for Texas, leaving his pregnant wife and 3 year old son back in North Carolina living with her parents. This is when the sadness started.
I was so sad. I was sad because my husband was gone. I was sad that my son couldn’t understand where dad went without thinking that he abandoned us. I was sad because I knew that this was the last time in a long time that I would be with my parents. I was sad because everything I owned (except a small suitcase for the stay at my parents) was in a storage building in Texas. I was sad because I knew that it wouldn’t be long before I had to say goodbye to the people I loved the most. I was so sad.
And so, as I approach my one year anniversary in Texas, I am reminded about my sadness. I am reminded that it’s been way too long since I’ve been home. I am reminded of all the change. And I just want to be left alone.
Except He won’t leave.
So, I’ve been avoiding.
I’ve been avoiding because, you see, then I’m not held accountable for my doubt, my sadness, my anger.
If there is no accountability then there is no guilt. No guilt, no responsibility. I could go on and on.
But even in my best attempts to avoid and ‘forget’, He’s still there, and I know it. In fact, I probably know it better than before. You know, when things get good, we don’t realize that He’s there, right next to us, because we’re too busy paying attention to ‘what’ happened instead of ‘who’ happened. And so now, when things are distracting enough for me, I feel Him more.
So you can bet it’s been hard ‘hiding-out’.
I had no intentions of giving in yesterday. None. I am a pretty stubborn girl and so when I put my foot down, it stays there. I didn’t want anything to do with Him. But that didn’t matter.
First, He woke me up to a text message from a friend talking about Him. And since she was asking my opinion I had to talk about Him.
And that’s where I drew the line. “You almost got me”, I said as I looked up to the ceiling. “Nice try.” But I was giving in. I still had no desire for Him in my life at that moment.
But He wasn’t finished.
Jaxsyn and I were hanging out watching TV,
I was knitting and Adelaide Blue was asleep. It was nice. And then my sweet four-year-old jumped into my lap asking me where Jesus lived. The questions continued for 30 some minutes. I knew this was Him. I knew that He was trying to get my attention.
I still wasn’t ready though. And so I kept looking the other way.
And then Justin got a phone call. It was someone from work, a pretty high up someone, who informed Justin that he would have an interview the next day for a promotion.
Crap. Don’t get me wrong. I was, I am, super excited and happy for my husband. He works hard and he deserves this promotion, but crap because now I would have to pray, meaning, now I would have to acknowledge myself and Him. Crap. Crap. Crap.
And so I tried praying. But I felt wrong. I felt wrong for having tried hiding. I felt guilty for not wanting the accountability in the first place. But I also felt weak and helpless. And instead of taking it and putting in on my shoulders, instead of knowing that I would figure out a way to make it work, I knew that I couldn’t do it alone and that I needed Him. (Praise alert: That, right there, me giving up control easily and in the beginning, that’s an answered prayer, some may even say that’s a miracle.)
I went into my room, grabbed my bible, and I prayed.
He never left me. Even when I wanted nothing to do with Him. Even when it was, at times, like I was deliberately pushing Him away. He never left me. How annoying, but oh how wonderful! What an amazing feeling! To know, that we are never alone.
This is a lesson I needed. I have never felt more alone than I have this past year. And while I knew He was with me, I never really understood that He was with me all of the time. Right beside me. All. Of. The. Time. I was never alone.
We are never alone.
After I finished praying I turned to the book I’m reading, ‘Believing God’ by Beth Moore there she was talking about praying and asking God for things, and there it was, like it was jumping out of the page to me,
“God has the power and authority to grant anything on a list A-Z’
And there He was again.
Seriously, y’all, we are never alone. And I’m okay with that.