Last night I was watching some old videos of Jaxsyn and I was watching some videos of Adelaide and Jaxsyn together. There was a good chance that I was, in fact, sobbing like a baby at around 11:00pm last night, realizing just how fast time passes. It’s heartbreaking. And it made me feel guilty.
Thankfully, I have been able to stay home with my kids for 2 years now. Even when I was working, I was still able to spend a lot of time with Jaxsyn, but it never seems like I have enough time with them. Ever.
So I started thinking, last night, I started thinking about all the moments that I have taken for granted. All the times I have brushed them off or told them to hold on or “just give me a minute”. It’s a simple enough phrase, but it that simple sentence, I am basically asking for something that is so valuable and so hard for us to get our hands on, but yet, I just casually throw it out to my kids, day after day, sometimes (most times) multiple times a day.
So Jaxsyn says ‘okay’, but what he should say, what he needs to say is, “I can’t do that, mom.” Because he can’t. The minutes we have, the seconds we have are not renewable. They don’t get replenished and when they run out, they’re out for good.
This suddenly became very serious to me. Had I been blowing off too many minutes with my kids? I am busy. I am always very busy. I know a lot of people think that when women choose to stay home that they are choosing the easier life, but being someone who has worked with kids, who has gone to school with kids, I think I can safely tell you that me staying home, no, this is not the easier choice.
It’s hard. It’s demanding. It’s scary. But more than that, it’s rewarding. It’s happiness. It’s love. So I love that I can I stay home, but unfortunately just because I stay home doesn’t mean that all of my focus can be on my kids. There are a lot of days when I can’t seem to catch a break just to sit with them or watch them play. There are days when I don’t get to hold them enough. There are days when, to be honest, I feel like a pretty crappy mother who just can’t do anything right.
And so last night, after sobbing, and thinking and reflecting, I prayed. I prayed that God would give me more patience and more time with my children. I prayed that I would learn to appreciate the little things, and for me not to take anything for granted. I prayed that I would learn to put off the cleaning, the writing, the reading, the sewing, the crafting. I prayed that I would be reminded that they won’t be this little for that long.
I always instantly feel better after praying and so I went to bed with a happy heart and I was okay. Everything would be okay.
So to my surprise this morning, I woke up to a hectic mess. You see, I am a firm believer that God has quite the sense of humor and so this morning when I woke up refreshed and centered, right on track, I was surprised to find that nothing was going as I thought it should be.
I woke up and then saw 4 little eyes peering out at me before I could even get both feet on the ground. I had a to-do list a mile long. The dog was whining. The kids were wanting, and needing, and demanding. The phone was ringing. The coffee was not brewing. I stopped, looked up, and asked, “seriously?”
And then I realized that He was answering my prayer from last night. It may not have been in the form or fashion that I had wanted, but He answered.
Because, you see, life isn’t simple. And it’s not easy. And it’s not routine. There are days when I am going to be busy and things are going to be wild. Things are going to be overwhelming and most times it’s going to be ‘sink or swim’, but even though my morning didn’t begin how I wanted it to, I was thankful for those 4 little eyes peering up at me. I appreciated being able to wake up together. I was grateful that a minute was not wasted this morning by them sleeping. (Touche’ Lord!)
But the most important lesson He taught me today was that there is never ever ever enough time with our kids. This is what makes the time we do have with them so precious. And that’s what makes them so special to us. So while we may not be able to add years, weeks, days, hours, minutes or even seconds to their childhood, we can add memories and moments.