I am a busy, busy girl, and usually I am a very organized girl, but lately everything, and I mean everything seems to be all out of order.
Slowly, I am working on getting everything back in order, back to where I am able to recognize it, but it’s hard y’all.
I just realized that I have 3 Facebooks, an Instagram, and 2 Twitters to manage. I am in social media overload. So I’ve decided to really focus on just my personal one. I’ve attempted to ‘connect’ my other pages to the personal one, so we shall see.
I’ve been so busy trying to get She Made It Homemade’s up and running that I’ve fallen behind on checking email. I’m not a huge fan of email. It’s not that I don’t like it, but I rarely use it. I’m not the type to send emails. But that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy getting emails. And so it was nice when I realized that I had overlooked an email that a dear friend had sent to me.
She had been reading a few of my Facebook posts and my blog and she could tell that I was upset; that something wasn’t right. In my last post I had explained how I was having a hard time fully giving myself to God because I was sick of being taken advantage of. I was tired of always turning the other cheek when it seemed others were oblivious to the notion and didn’t worry about making me happy.
I wanted change! And revenge! And responsibility! I mean, I still do, but in that email, I realized that wasn’t really the reason I had been holding back.
As I continue to struggle with control and giving it up to God completely, my friend pointed out that perhaps I was going about this all wrong. You see, I have been under the impression that God wants us to be strong. I don’t know where I got that idea. It’s not in the bible, nor has it ever been preached to me, but isn’t that typical of Christians, we just kind of make it up as we go along?
Anyways, here I am thinking that God wants me to be strong. And He knows that I’ve been trying, and trying. I want to make Him proud and so I continue to be strong. When I feel like tossing in the towel, I don’t. When I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, I keep on carrying it. But I couldn’t understand why God would continue to make things hard for me. I was doing my best to show Him how strong I was, what else could He want?
And this is where my bright, intelligent, Jesus loving friend comes in with her words of wisdom. “It makes me think that perhaps God is asking you to surrender that piece of control and CALL on one of your brothers or sisters from HopePointe to HELP!” Hmmm. She might be on to something here.
I continued to read and finally realized that she probably knew what she was talking about. Here God had provided me with such an open, loving, understanding church family. He even made sure that our Bishop talked about how important the church family was to a Christian and how we couldn’t really have the relationship we desired with God unless we had a community to learn from and help and just be a part of. (There He goes again, always one step ahead of me) But here I was, here I am, not asking for help, not turning to my church family, if anything I’m turning away from them because I don’t want them to know about everything that I’m going through because “how would they understand?”
I could go on and on with the excuses I have for not turning to my church family and asking for help, but I realize we are all busy, so I won’t. I’ll stop making excuses.
But it was never God trying to make life harder on me, He knows I’m strong. He knows that I have a strong will and I don’t give up, I mean, after all, He made me that way, and so He couldn’t just go about it any way, He had to make me weak(er). He had to make me desire help. He had to bring me down so that I could learn to finally give it all up to Him.
Even when I was straying and deliberately not seeking the Lord, He was there. Even when I was angry and bitter, He was there. When I wouldn’t open my bible and read because I didn’t want to be faced with what I should do, He was there. He was there through friends, through conversations, through my 4 year old, and through passed over emails. Like He promised He would be, He’s always there.
So I wish I could say that this will be the last time I struggle with giving myself to the Lord and finally trusting Him to take care of me, but who are we kidding?!
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” I used to think that verse was directions on how I should love others, and perhaps it is, but then I realized that this is the explanation I needed to understand God’s love for me.
This is why I can forgive others. This is why I don’t need revenge. This is why I don’t need change or progress. And this is why I don’t have to do it on my own. I can do those things because He loves me; because no matter what He loves me. Even when I hate Him and I want nothing to do with Him,
So I’m going to try and ask for help. I’m going to stop trying to do it all by myself. It’s going to be tough to learn to rely on others instead of myself. It makes me nervous just thinking about it, but I know that He loves me and He wouldn’t let anything happen to me. I just have to keep reminding myself that He loves me. He loves me. HE LOVES ME.