Oh my. I know it’s been a few days since I’ve posted anything, and part of me wants to blame it on being so busy with the rest of my life, but the other part knows that I’ve just been struggling and when I struggle I tend to shut down. Me not writing is shutting down.
Now, it’s true I have been busy with other things. I’ve been making, and doing, and creating. I’ve even decided to launch my own business. Get ready for the shameless plug in 3, 2, 1…It’s called She Made It Homemade’s.(You can find me on Facebook right now) I am simply selling homemade, natural, simple products for you and your home. I’m in the beginning stages right now and so I’m busy getting numbers together, and figuring out the best way to market, and figuring out costs, and shipping. I didn’t realize just how much work it was! But I’m having fun. I like to keep busy and so, this is perfect.
But I would be lying if I said there weren’t times when I was just sitting here. Quietly. Not thinking about anything really except how much I don’t want to deal with anything.
I’ve been straying from God. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe and deep down I know that He’s in control and I know that He’s got it figured out, and I even notice that He is still providing for me even though I know that I really don’t deserve it now, but I’m angry.
I am so flipping angry. And part of me knows that if I turn it over to God, completely, that I won’t be angry anymore, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.
I know that sounds crazy. I mean, why would anyone want to be angry. And it’s not that I want to live a life full of anger, but I am so tired of having to be the better person. I’m tired of biting my tongue and turning my cheek. I’m tired of pretending that everything is okay, when in reality it’s not. It hasn’t been for a long time and I’m not sure that it ever will be.
I have to be careful with what I say on here because even when my words aren’t meant to hurt others, they have. People believe that I write to attack, I don’t, but I just have to be careful because it just makes me angrier, and I don’t need that at all right now.
But it’s true. I’m angry. I’m angry at how life is panning out. I’m angry about having to make sacrifices all the freaking time. I’m angry because I feel so very, very alone. I feel inadequate. I feel like I have no one to depend on. I feel like I am always competing, and losing for that matter. And this isn’t meant to discredit any of my friends or family, but I’m missing something that I just can’t get from anyone, except God.
i know I sometimes put too much faith into other people, or things, and I know that i should be putting my faith strictly into God, but something is holding me back.
Here it is again, my biggest struggle…control. i know that’s what it is. I understand that I can’t control what happens, and I don’t even think that’s the kind of control I am seeking, but I can control my relationships with others and I feel like if I completely surrender and give myself up to God, that I will be sacrificing that control and I don’t want to.
I don’t want to put myself in a position where I will be hurt. Not where I think I’ll be hurt, but where I know I’ll be hurt. I know that if I am expected to love as Jesus loves no matter how I’m being treated, it will hurt me. Unfortunately, I am not big enough to only care about what Jesus thinks of me or my relationship with Jesus, but if I’m being honest, I very much worry about what others think and I am very much affected by what others do.
So this is where I am. It’s like I am standing in the middle of the road and I can see the cars coming, but instead of moving out of the way, I just stand there. I am just standing here.
This is why I wish I could just run away and in a since I’ve already begun retreating back to where I came from. I am lost without Jesus and his guidance, but at the same time sometimes you just don’t want to hear what’s best for you.
I know that if someone were to talk to me about this I would offer endless support. I would tell them to pray more. I would tell them to talk more. I would tell them to forgive and let go. I would tell them not to worry about everyone else. I would tell them exactly what they needed to hear, but I just can’t go with that.
I know that until I forgive, and truly, truly forgive that I will never truly be happy. I know that. I know that it will never matter what I do or what they do or what anyone does until I truly forgive. I’ve talked about it before, and I know the answer. I know the right answer, but I don’t want to.
I know that if I let them continue to control my life, my mood, my heart, my relationship with God, that they are winning. I know that will make me second place. I know that.
I know that eventually my hands will no longer be busy. I will not have 1000 things to do and eventually I will have to sit down and face this. I will have to make the choice. Will I let Him be in control or will I let them be in control. When I look at that sentence and I look at my choices, I think it’s funny because it’s obvious what the answer is, and it’s obvious that my struggle, or at least what I’ve convinced myself of my struggle to be, is not even listed. No where is the choice between me being in control and something else being in control. I have completely been taken out of the picture.
I think this is an important observation to make because when we start to live a life for Christ, we are always taken out of the equation. It’s never actually been about myself. It’s never actually been about me having any type of control. It’s a matter of who you want to control you. And I know that I want God to be in control of my life. And it’s not doubt, or a lack of faith that prevents me from just giving it all up to God, it’s, well, it’s…fear.
So what do you do to stop fearing something? I’ve heard of people who fear snakes and who just face it head on. Is that something that I could do? Could I face my fear of giving up control to God? I’m not sure how I would do that except just diving head first, but I don’t want to dive head first. I’ve never been one to take chances, and so here I am. I’m standing on the edge, with my toes gripping hard into the ground, waiting for myself to let go and jump, but the thing is, I’ve been here for awhile and I don’t think I’m going anywhere. Anyone want to give me a push?