Turns Out That God is a Bigger Control Freak Than I am.

You know how I’ve said before that God’s plan is always better than anything that I could come up with. I still believe that. I still struggle with that. I have such a hard time with controlling situations and making sure I know what’s going on, which proves hard when you are trying to build a relationship with God. But once again, He proves to me that He’s got this.

When I moved to Texas I didn’t know anyone, really. During our vacation times to Texas I met a few of Justin’s friends who I consider to be friends, but I didn’t have anyone of my own. I’ve never been the kind of girl to have a ton of friends. To be honest, it’s too hard for me to keep up with everyone, and I hate talking on the phone. But I don’t just want friends, I need them, but you don’t think about that when you are 6 months pregnant chasing down a 3 year old. You don’t think how nice it would be to talk to someone face to face. You don’t think of how much you need those relationships, but this is where God always provides, even when we don’t know that we need it.

I was so nervous about going to church by myself, but I knew that I needed to go. I had nothing else, so what was there to lose. That first Sunday as I listened to Google Maps tell me which way to turn, I was running late. I hate running late. I got mad. I got flustered. I got hormonal. I should have turned around. I should have tried again the following Sunday, but something made me keep going.

I pulled into the church parking lot with just a few minutes to spare. I rushed inside, threw Jaxsyn in the nursery, and found my seat in the back.

As I sat there and I listened, I knew that this was where I was supposed to be. For someone who was nervous to show up by myself, I was comfortable. I had never been this comfortable in church before. It felt good, and I had felt something that I hadn’t felt in some time, I was happy.

As the next week went by, I couldn’t wait to go to church again. Even though it got harder and harder to get out of bed with my ginormous belly, I was excited.

The next Sunday wasn’t nearly as hard as the first. I still relied on Google Maps to get me to where I was going, but I had more time. I wasn’t rushing in last minute. I dropped Jaxsyn off, and made my way to my seat.

This is where HopePointe is special. Every single person was so nice to me. They recognized me from the last week and they made an effort to talk to me. I chatted with everyone for a few minutes, and then I was introduced to Jessica.

Jessica was in charge of leading the music. She was also led a women’s bible study. I had never been involved with a bible study, but I had nothing else to do and so I decided to give it a go. It was great. It was great getting together with these women every week. It was nice to be able to talk to people about the struggles I was facing in my new home. They listened and they prayed.

Times have been tough these past few weeks. I’ve been angry. I’ve felt betrayed. Sometimes I feel like I have to compete and usually I don’t win. (For the record, I hate not winning.) I’ve kept things to myself because I’ve been embarrassed about what’s been going on, but I prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and I knew that I needed to talk to someone.

I reached out to Jessica. I could have reached out to some other people, but something told me to reach out to Jessica. I thought for sure that she would have no idea what to say to make me feel better. In fact, I’m not sure that I reached out to her to get answers, but rather just to vent and to get some things off my chest. So you can imagine my surprise when she actually understood what I had been going through; when she was able to relate to some of the same things, and when she knew exactly what I needed to hear.

And then I remembered how awesome God is. He knew that I would be going through hard times. He knew that I would need someone to talk to. He knew that I would need Jessica and He provided.

When I think about the intricacies of God’s plans, it really blows my mind. He knows exactly what we need even before we know that we need it. He knows who needs to be in our lives and when they need to be there. And I can’t help it, but to remember just how great He is, and not only did He provide for me, but He got me to turn back to Him. He is constantly reminding me that He’s got this. He’s in control and that I don’t need to worry about a thing.

So these past few days, not only have I learned to trust God (again.), but I’ve learned that no matter how much I want to be in control, no matter how much I feel the need to know what’s going on, I can’t, I won’t. I know I still won’t get it. I know I’ll still fight like hell to be in control. I know that I will get upset when I lose control. He knows that too. But He loves me enough that no matter how stupid or stubborn I am, He’s there, He’s always there, and He’s never taking a break from giving me who and what I need. And it turns out that God is a bigger control freak than I am. Thank goodness!

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