I never would have thought that I would be writing a post about this, at least not now. I feel like it’s too early and I am at a loss.
You see, I am usually the one who knows how to fix the problem. I figure out the solutions. I take care of what needs to be taken care of, but now I find myself struggling. I am struggling because I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know what the best solution would be. I don’t want to hurt anyone or burn bridges, but at the same time I need to do what’s best for my family.
I know Jaxsyn can be overwhelming at times. He can talk for, what seems like, hours. He can go on and on and on, and sometimes he’s hard to handle. There are days when I quietly wish that he would be quiet for just a few minutes. He interrupts and he constantly wants to be entertained. He’s got a full amount of energy just waiting to get released at all times. But then I remind myself he’s 4 and he’s just as he should be. I love listening to him talk and tell me stories. To be honest, if it weren’t for him or his stories I would be quite bored and lonely at home while Justin was at work. I learn to appreciate everything about my son at this age because I know that this is only temporary, soon he will grow older and his stories will become less and less, at least with me.
I would do anything for my children, absolutely anything, and without hesitation. When my children are sad, I am sad, when my children are happy, I am happy. Perhaps I invest too much into my children, who knows, but it is what it is and I am who I am.
So this is why I am extremely upset about the recent, well, not really recent, activity that has surrounded Jaxsyn. Jaxsyn is a confessor. He will tell me anything and everything. At the end of the day before bedtime he usually confesses everything he’s done wrong that day and he apologizes for it. The bottom line: he doesn’t keep things from me. (Yet.) So that’s why when Jaxsyn told me that some kids were being mean to him, I believed him. I took him seriously. I knew exactly what he was talking about it because I had been watching one kid in particular. I saw him be rude to Jaxsyn. I saw him exclude Jaxsyn. I saw him tease Jaxsyn. I saw it all. I SEE it all.
At first, I told Jaxsyn that it was no big deal and not to pay any attention to it. But then something else happened, and now I’m pissed. I mean, I am really, really, really, really angry and upset. And I don’t know what to do about it. Part of me wants to tell Jaxsyn to be mean right back; to hurt this kids feelings; to put him down; to exclude him; Another part of me wants to tell Jaxsyn to knock the crap out of him. And yet another part of me wants to take care of it myself. And finally, the smallest part of me wants to tell Jaxsyn to keep ignoring and to turn the other cheek; that it’s no big deal.
I know, even as I re-read what I just wrote, I know what I need to do. I know what I want to do. I want to teach Jaxsyn right from wrong. I want to be a good example for Jaxsyn, but I hate seeing his feelings getting hurt. I hate seeing him not able to understand why this kid would be so mean to him. He keeps asking me what has he done to make this kid not like him.
And I know that kids will be kids, and I don’t plan on fighting all the battles for my children, but there is a significant age difference between Jaxsyn and this kid. And this kid should know better. I think that’s why I’m so upset by the entire situation.
I’m struggling because I know I should pray to God to help me and to help Jaxsyn, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to because I know what answer I’ll have to choose then. But I know that I won’t be able to handle this myself. I need God. I need God to help me. I need God to give me the patience and the strength to deal with this the right way.
So if you could, friends, please, keep me in your prayers this week. I’ve never struggled with something so hard and so tempting before, and I’m afraid that without prayers and without God’s hand then I will burn bridges and hurt feelings, and like I said, that’s not something I want to do.