I’m not even sure where to begin this morning. You see, I usually have a blog that I have previously written that I just edit, add pictures if needed, and upload, but this morning is different. Yes, I have more posts ready to be uploaded, but I need to share with you how awesome God really is and what He did for me last night.
Lately Justin and I have been struggling to make ends meet. It seems we have enough for our bills, but very little leftover. I’ve had to become really creative in figuring out how to put food on our table, and considering I’m not much of a cook, it’s been hard. We’ve also cut back on excess spending. We really try to be as frugal as we can. But it sucks. I mean, it really, really, really sucks. I hate not having money. I don’t spend a ton of money on myself, but there are just sometimes when you want to go out and buy stuff, or in our case, I just want to go to the grocery store and not sit there and add up everything that gets put in my cart. I just don’t want to have to think about money and the fact that we have none.
I’ve already told you guys that I thought God brought us down to Texas, not so we have more money, but so that we have more faith. But sometimes enough is enough, ya know? So last night I got mad. I got mad at myself, I got mad at my husband, I got mad at God. I hate having to live like this. I hate not being able to do anything because we got rid of the car. I hate not being able to run to the store if I’m hungry. I hate just sitting here, every single day, all day long. I hate not being able to run to the store and pick up things that I want. I hate not being able to buy new clothes. I hate not being able to go out to eat. And so I got mad. I can’t understand why I had to leave home, not to have more, I get that, but to have even less than what I did before??? Not to sound too much like a whiny child, but it’s just not fair! (And yes, I thought about stomping my foot!) And so I got mad.
Do I think it was the devil swooping in to fill me with doubt, sure, but I also think it was me, mostly me, once again trying to control God. Trying to get Him to explain to me, little ol’ me, what the plan was and why I was suffering the way I was. I struggle with this all the time. And I have to remind myself that I’m not in control. That God doesn’t owe me an explanation. Even if it’s hard for me to understand in those terms, I remind myself that I am God’s child and as my parent he doesn’t have to run things by me first. I don’t run things by Jaxsyn and Adelaide because I am in charge. I know what I’m doing. And to be honest, it wouldn’t really matter what my children wanted because I have my children’s best interest at heart. You see? I do understand, but understanding doesn’t mean you don’t struggle.
So here I was last night pissed off at the world. Woe is me. I was sitting in my room feeling sorry for myself. Justin was at the grocery store. Jaxsyn was running around playing Wipeout and Adelaide was sitting in my lap. Then my phone rang, it was Justin asking me if I needed anything specific from the store. I whined about not having any money and then hung up. And then it hit me. I was sitting on my queen sized bed, in my 2 bedroom home, in the air condition, while my husband was driving our brand new car to the grocery store to get dinner, while my healthy son was playing in the living room and my beautiful brand new daughter was sitting in my lap cooing at the tv, all while I texted and talked on my own cellphone. Oh my goodness! I’m such a brat! Immediately, I realized how stupid I was. Here I had all these things and I was mad at God for not providing???
My attitude quickly changed and I asked God to forgive me for being so stupid. And then Justin walked in the house with bags of groceries. I went to the kitchen and asked him how he had so many grocery bags. He said that he bought them. (Obviously) As I watched him unload the groceries I realized that he didn’t just get the necessities, but he got us some fun treats too, like ice cream and chips. (I cannot tell you how long it’s been since we’ve had ice cream and chips!) I asked him once again how we were able to afford all this and he said it was only $28 with a giant smile across his face.
I glanced around the kitchen again and there was a ton of food. Now I know grocery shopping. I know how much it costs for food. I am the one who budgets, clips coupons, scans ads, so I know. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve gone to the store thinking that I would spend $10, but walked out spending $30. But here Justin was, no coupons, no ads, no budgeting, just prayers and faith trusting in God to provide and He did. HE DID! Not only did He provide breakfast, lunch, and dinner for days, but He also gave us things that we had been wanting for months just because He loves us.
He never ceases to amaze me. I was angry at HIm. Accusing Him of betraying me and leaving me to suffer, and He never left me. He was there during all of it. Of course, He’s there during all of it! He didn’t leave me because I was angry, rather, He took care of me like He always does. And He knows what He’s doing. And He always does more than I think He will. Man, He is so good!!