It wasn’t too long ago that I lived with a very real idea that my husband was responsible for making me happy. And in turn he was also responsible for making me sad, disappointed, angry, resentful. That’s a lot of weight on someone’s shoulders, I know, but I think we are brought up in society to believe that, to easily believe, that they are responsible and we are not.
Now don’t get me wrong, my husband can do a lot of things that upset me. I am not saying that it is impossible for spouses to contribute to how the other is feeling, but what I am saying is that we shouldn’t rely on our spouse to make us feel certain ways. We, ourselves, are responsible for how we feel.
If we live in a marriage where we expect or downright demand our spouse to make us happy, well guess what, we are never going to be happy. Let me say it again, if we live in a marriage where we expect our spouse to make us happy, we will never, NEVER, be happy.
I’m a sucker for romance just as much as anyone else is, but as I just celebrated my 3 year anniversary, 8 years of being together, I just don’t think romance exists in marriage. I know romantic things can be done, and I’m sure there are some men and women out there who strive to keep the romance alive, but I just don’t believe that there can be that much romance in a relationship that is nothing but constant work.
Romance, real romance, that just happens easily and on it’s own is certainly there in the beginning of the relationship, often I believe it is there because if you really knew what you were getting yourself into by marrying, then I’m not sure most people would marry…just saying, but for whatever reason, it’s there. it’s fun. You tell your friends about it. And, yes, it makes you happy.
Perhaps that is the reason that we put so much pressure on our spouse. “You did it before, you can certainly do it again” attitude. And maybe they could, but all I know is when me and Justin first met and we first started dating we didn’t have bills, responsibility, children, we were carefree, only worried about ourselves, so it would seem, to me, that romance would have a much easier time if it was all you had to think of.
So what happens when you put your spouse in charge of making you happy? Or making you anything, really? I’m not a doctor nor am I an expert on marriage, but here’s what I think happens, your spouse fails. And when your spouse fails it makes both parties feel bad. You feel bad for failing and you feel angry because they failed. (And they just don’t understand you anymore!!!) Of course, there may be times in your life and in your relationship where the other person really did make you happy. They did something nice for you or they surprised you with something. Yes, those things can make you feel good, but those things can’t be done every single day, if they were, then there would be nothing special about them and chances are, you would never notice them anymore or how they made/make you feel.
I’m not saying that your spouse shouldn’t try to make you happy and I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try and make your spouse happy, I’m saying that it’s up to yourself to be happy or not. Have you ever tried to cheer someone up who didn’t want to be happy? I have, and if you’re anything like me, then it didn’t work, not because you aren’t charming or hilarious, but because the other person wanted to be mad. They were choosing to be unhappy and angry and mad. And for the record I am hilarious and it should be a crime to be angry around me because I am that delightful! :)
But remember, people can’t always be happy. I’m a very happy person in general. I don’t stress, I don’t worry. I’m a glass half full kind of gal, but not all the time. Sometimes I just need to be mad. Sometimes I get mad over something very, very, very small, other times it takes a lot. But it is always, ALWAYS, my decision. I’m in charge of my emotions, no one else, even if I do want to blame it on everyone and everything else.
So what am I saying? Don’t, do not, depend on your spouse to make you happy. Make yourself happy. Taking charge and responsibility for yourself takes so much weight off your spouse’s back. Marriage itself is already so hard and takes so much work, there is no reason to add to the pile. Besides, maybe this is what romance looks like when you’re married…