What happened to me?

I’ll be turning 30 in just a few short months and so I am starting to reflect back on my life (not that I think it’s over, but 30 years? That’s a long time!). I’m in a good place. A better place then I ever imagined myself to be. I am married to my best friend. We’ve gone through so much in such a short time, but we are still here and we are about to celebrate our 3rd anniversary of marriage and if you’ve read my other post, you know how big of a deal that is. And not only have I been blessed with a great husband and a strong marriage, but I have two beautiful children who are my world. Often when I wake up in the mornings and I look at those two beautiful sleeping children I think to myself “Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this?” And to be honest, I can never come up with an answer worthy enough. I don’t know why I’ve been so blessed. And when I reflect back on my life I can give every reason why I shouldn’t be this blessed, so what happened?

I wouldn’t say that I was a bad person. I made some horrible choices throughout my life. I was too good in high school. I never wanted to disappoint my parents. I never wanted to get in trouble and so while I had the reputation for being a “rebel” I wasn’t. A lot of people thought that I was this promiscuous girl with an attitude. I lived on the edge. I wasn’t. AT ALL. I was actually a giant dork. I wore different clothes because I wanted to be in control of the things people said about me. So if I dressed weird then they would talk about that and perhaps not talk about my weight or my hair or any other physical aspects of myself. I would eventually carry that attitude to tattoos and piercings. If I could make people look at what I wanted them to look at then they wouldn’t notice that my stomach wasn’t flat or that I wasn’t as skinny as I wanted to be. It was my defense mechanism. And for awhile, it worked perfectly. But then I went to college and all hell broke loose. I was in a terrible relationship with someone I tried so desperately to “fix” but failed at. I lived with heroin addicts and had no clue. I was cheated on time and time again. And I thought it was my fault. I constantly blamed myself, but put on a face because I didn’t want anyone to know how terrible my life had become. I quickly started spiraling out of control. I drank too much. I made really bad decisions. I became depressed. I dropped out of college because I was convinced I needed to find myself, but really, I just didn’t have the drive to do anything worthy. And so I moved back home. And then eventually, I made a decision to move to Wyoming. I only gave my mom 12 hours notice before I left and while I wasn’t sure what I was doing, I just left. Turns out it was the best decision of my life. Not to disregard my life before, but the minute I got into that car, my life really began. So the story continues, I met Justin. I hated Justin. I fell in love with Justin. Justin and I made plans. Justin got into a car accident. Plans changed. I followed Justin. Justin followed me. We had Jaxsyn. We got married. We had Adelaide. But somewhere in that story, I changed. I’m convinced it happened when I met Jaxsyn for the first time. When I was busy counting 10 fingers and 10 toes, something inside of me changed.

I had been raised in the church. I knew who God was. I knew that Jesus loved me, but I didn’t really get it. I couldn’t tell you anything about the Bible other then it began with Genesis. Often times, I would make fun of people who knew what it actually said. It wasn’t cool to believe in God, let alone know what believing in God meant. I would accuse people of being pushy. I would often say things like “I don’t need to go to church to believe in God. He knows that I love him.” And now looking back, I’m not sure that He knew because I didn’t really act like it. I would say that I was a Christian, but I never acted like a Christian. I certainly didn’t give Christians a good reputation. But then I saw my son for the first time, and I got it.

God loves all of us. And He loves us more than I love my kids, and if you have kids you know how crazy it is to process that thought.

I wasn’t married when I got pregnant. My sister had just had my nephew and something hit me. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Justin and I wanted to start a family, but I didn’t necessarily want to get married yet. We talked about kids and we were both on board. We were old enough. And if it happened, it happened. If it didn’t, then it didn’t. There was no pressure on us at all. And so we tried. Once. And it happened. Now at that moment did I give any credit to God, of course not. This was just what happened when, well, two people tried to make a baby, sometimes a baby was made, but looking back on it and looking back on my life since having Jaxsyn, I know this was God. I know God gave me that baby at that time because He knew that it would lead me back to Him. And, as always, He was right. I had Jaxsyn and suddenly I had this urge to be better. To do better. I wanted to give Jaxsyn everything I could. I wanted to give him a chance to be something. But most importantly I wanted to make him proud. And so, little by little, my life started to change. It didn’t happen overnight. And I don’t think it’s done yet, but as I approach 30 and I look back at my life, I know I don’t deserve to be where I am. I didn’t do anything right in life to be here. I did a lot of wrongs, but God is forgiving. And God is loving. And He is smart. And so here I am. I’m the pushy Christian. I’m the one telling people about Him. I am the example. I am the story.

I still don’t have it all figured out. And I have to remind myself that God loves me no matter what because I still don’t get it right. And I still don’t deserve what I have. And I’m sure that some people who’ve known me for a long time are confused by the person I’ve become. I’m becoming. And while I don’t believe that I am necessarily a better person now than I was, I know that I am aware that someone is looking out for me. And just like I’ve always wanted to make those around me proud of who I’ve become and of who I am. I want to make Him proud too. Because there is no other reason other then the fact that He loves me, that I am here today. I have done nothing to get where I am. If anything, I did everything to not get here. So what happened to me? I realized someone loves me. He loves me.

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