Marriage Sucks.

I cannot tell you how many times I have found myself disappointed with marriage. This marriage that I am in is not what I expected. I wanted romance. And scripted movie lines. I wanted perfection. I wanted easy. I wanted make-believe. Now, don’t get me wrong, people told me it would be hard and while I wanted the above mentioned, I knew that realistically I could only expect a few on my list to be crossed off. But this? This marriage thing, well, to be blunt, kinda sucks. It’s hard. And I don’t mean every once in awhile, but I mean it is hard all of the time. Like ALL OF THE TIME.  I have never experienced anything like the way I feel about my husband. And while some of you will read that sentence and think “Aww, that’s so sweet.” Trust me, its not. I have never loved someone so much and at the same time wanted to punch him in the face. I have never wanted to be around someone so much, but cringe at the very sight of him in the same minute. I love him. I hate him. He makes me happy. He makes me miserable. I love coming home. I wish I was anywhere else. Marriage sucks. Having to always think about someone else other than yourself sucks. I am more worried about my husband than I have ever worried about myself. I am so busy thinking about his day that often I forget what happens in my day. I am so worried that I’m not living up to be the wife he wants because like I said marriage is hard and it sucks and there is no way that you can prepare yourself to be what the other expected. I often wonder why he hasn’t just up and left me yet. I’m not pleasant. I have a hard time multi-tasking kids, home, writing, husband. I read these books on how to be a better wife, how to apply God into my life and marriage, and at the end of the third page I want to gouge my eyes out because, well, I suck. The more I think about it and the more that I reflect, I have a hard time understanding how anyone stays married. Why anyone would want to stay married. And then I remember that while it is hard and it does suck it’s those tiny moments that sneak up on you that you probably wouldn’t notice unless you’re straining to find something that makes it all worth it. It’s the times that I get to see him with our children. It’s when he comes home with a fountain coke in his hand for me, “just because”. It’s when we can’t make up our minds on what to eat for dinner because each of us doesn’t want to upset the other one. It’s when I think that I can’t handle anything else and then my husband, my best friend, is there to show me just how strong I am. Marriage is never going to be pretty. It’s certainly never going to be easy. It is what it is. And while there isn’t much room for romance with two very time consuming children and while I often find myself fumbling over the ‘right’ things to say, I know that I have someone who feels exactly like I do, standing with me and then it doesn’t actually seem that bad. Because, hey, if you’ve got to do something that sucks, then you should have someone standing right there next to ya! (And for the record, there isn’t anyone else that I’d rather have standing next to me then Justin.)

 

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