A mother’s doubt.

I remember laying eyes on my son for the first time. It was an amazing experience. I was filled with so much emotion. Emotion that I never knew I had. I knew that I loved him the second I found out I was expecting, but after seeing him, I never knew love like that existed. It was all consuming and at that moment I was his. I would find myself wrapped around his finger, living life to make sure he had everything he could ever want and need. I no longer lived for myself, everything I did, I did for him. I finally understood what my own mother had been trying to explain to me for years. When he cried, I cried. When he laughed, I laughed. When he hurt, I hurt. It no longer mattered what I wanted or who I was, everything was about him. As friends of mine began to experience their journey into motherhood I would often attempt to explain to them what it was like, how it felt. I would always fall short because until you’ve been a mother, there’s no real way to explain it in words that others will understand. I struggled with this idea because, after all, I am a writer and words are my life. I would tell them that you will have no idea that you can love something, someone, like that, and it was true. But the second I held Jaxsyn in my arms, I knew that I wanted to have another child. I probably talked about wanting another one too soon for my husband’s liking, but I just knew that our family wouldn’t be complete until we welcomed a second child into this world, but then it hit me: how would I ever be able to love someone else as much as I love Jaxsyn? I never imagined that I had enough love for Jaxsyn and to try and wrap my mind around loving someone else just as much, it’s still too much to think about. Don’t get me wrong, I know it can be done because my parents had 3 kids, my friends have more than one and they seem to do just fine, but it’s pretty unbelievable to think about. Adelaide Blue is due June 2nd and we are thrilled to welcome our baby girl into this world, but as my due date approaches I can’t help but to think I’m not ready for this. Jaxsyn has been my world for 3 1/2 years and to suddenly expect to divide my time between 2 kids, how?! Many nights I have cried myself to sleep afraid that I won’t be enough for my children. I am sad because in just a few short months it will no longer be just the 3 of us and then I am sad because it sounds like I’m not excited about my daughter’s arrival. And then I become sadder because I think of poor Adelaide and the fact that she will never have the time  that Jaxsyn had with me and her father. (I swear it never ends!) And then I have to think about everyone else and how they will act. It is a great fear of mine that friends and family will swoon over Adelaide’s arrival (as they should) and ignore Jaxsyn, causing Jaxsyn’s feelings to be hurt alongside mine as well. I realize there is nothing that I can do or say until she’s here and I continue to remind myself that God would not have chosen me as their mother if I wasn’t capable of doing a good job. I just hope that I am doing a good job, that I have been doing a good job, and that I will continue to do a good job. I’m not asking for a pat on the back, but it is important for me to know that my kids know that everything I have done has been about them and will continue to be about them until I am no longer around. It’s funny how becoming a mother changes everything, it really is like wearing your heart on the outside and having no  ability to protect it anymore and knowing that it will be this way from now on and learning to accept that idea. Well, I don’t feel any better or more clarified after re-reading my own words, but if motherhood has taught me anything it is that I am capable of more than I give myself credit for and so, much like the rest of my parenting abilities, I will pretend that I have got this under control. :)

One Reply to “A mother’s doubt.”

  1. I remember Chuck worrying during my pregnancy for CD because he loved Abi so much. He truly believed that he didn’t have any more love left. Each child is different and you love them all. You love more of a certain attribute in one than another, but you love the other more in a different way. It all evens out that you love them each more than you can possibly imagine. It’s going to work out. You need to start making positive chains of thought. You are just letting circumstances take your mind down a sad path. I’m so glad you expressed your feelings openly and honestly. That was a very positive thing to do! We will be praying for your sweet little family down there in Texas! Let me know if we can do anything else besides our prayers.

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